i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
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