Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
