remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Who did Billy Mays play for?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
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So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
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I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?