you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.