I can text with my tongue
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
