ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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