i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
