pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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