remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
