that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
