Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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