I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
