He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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