??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
