she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
