So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
