You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
