Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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