I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
why do cheetos always look like penises
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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