I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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