....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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