No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize
