I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
