Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I did not marry a roomba.
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