He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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