Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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