There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
