My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
They took my balls.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
third nipple confirmed
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
