I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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