When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
