How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
