I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.