Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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