So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
