Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
