Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
