my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
