I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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