Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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