How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Edward fifth and chaser hands
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
