Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Princesses don't give blow jobs
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize
