I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
