Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
i've created a new STD.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
