Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
