Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
So squirting runs in the family.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
