Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
