No more Irish car bombs ever.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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