Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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