i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
