it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
