Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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