Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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