I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
