I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
