I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
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We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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