Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
